


the you in your own skin is so ugly.

by quixotism_and_grief



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 05:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quixotism_and_grief/pseuds/quixotism_and_grief
Summary: i wish to be beautiful [so beautiful he can’t look away].before she was a monster, gertrud was a girl.





	

here are some things to know about setsuna hanasaki;  
setsuna is alive right now, but within forty-eight hours, she will not be. 

here’s where our story begins: it’s three weeks before setsuna will die, and she falls in love. it’s something straight out of a fairytale – she is the princess; all ivory and beauty. he is the persistent suitor, shy. wondering if he is good enough. he never approaches her, but she sees him watching her from across the street. her heart jumps uncomfortably in her chest. she tells herself she’s in love with the idea of being loved, but she anticipates the sensation of eyes on her skin.  
it’s a dream that perpetuates itself, for just a while – soft eyes, clouded images, gentle sounds – a romance of supposition, coloured in sunset hues. she has never once heard him speak. she lets her mind run wild with it. she creates for him, a personality so wonderful and kind, and convinces herself it is truth. she watches him, watching her, and steadies herself with deep breaths. his voice has a deep, rich timbre. 

he approaches her two weeks before she will die. she is struck with joy, and unable to speak with a wide smile that threatens split her face in two. he doesn’t say anything in particular; he doesn’t need to. he’s perfect.  
they go for coffee, and he tells her he loves her; he’s loved her for a long time, but he’s been too nervous to tell her so. she knew that, she had known that all along. she doesn’t question the abruptness, or his inability to look her in her eyes. he said it himself; he’s just nervous. it’s cute.  
his eyes wander. she doesn’t notice at first. her mind is a haze – all those warm colours cloud her vision. there are thousands of tiny butterflies in her ribcage. their wingspans resting against her insides make her feel giddy.  
she notices, when there is only a week and a half left. the woman he is looking at has lovely legs. she doesn’t let him kiss her this time. she doesn’t feel much like a princess anymore. 

so then she contracts. her skin is lighter – the colour and quality of marble – and her eyes, brighter. her hair is silken. she takes shape. she is beautiful. her wish is fulfilled. her soul gem glistens red in the palm of her hand. and what a lovely colour it is – the colour of passion, of love, of her life, set in a brooch above her heart. his eyes do not wander. she is too beautiful. he is wrapped around her little finger. she has become his queen.  
half a week before setsuna will die. she will meet him at _their_ café, in _their_ booth, and they will order _their_ meal. it’s special. she is made of sunshine, of warmth and the butterflies tuck their heads to nest amongst the crevices of her heart. she is not nervous anymore – why should she be? she is perfect.

he is waiting in _their_ café, in _their_ booth, with _their_ meal ordered and sitting on the table. but _her_ seat is not vacant.  
the woman’s profile, chin tilted upward in laughter, sends setsuna into a rage. "this was never part of the story!" she exclaims, and kyubey licks his left paw, unblinking eyes trained on her face.  
"i fulfilled your wish", he says, "and that was what i promised. you are beautiful." he says it like it’s fact, but all the sweetness drains from the word. setsuna spits out the bitter taste it’s left in her mouth. her body goes cold. the butterflies begin to beat their wings. her heart tightens, hardens. it’s painful, and she knows it is, but it’s so easy to pretend it’s not when her body doesn’t really feel anything on its own anymore. after all, she threw herself under kyubey’s knife - please cut here. she touches her skin. it feels cold. so, so cold. 

it’s five days before setsuna will die. she hasn’t seen him since. she is angry more than anything.  
"you’re a magical girl. you can do anything you wish", says kyubey as he slips out the window. setsuna thinks about her wish, and what it ought to have been.  
he texts her, some hours later, and invites her out to their café. there’s a pair of scissors on setsuna’s desk. they are inconspicuous, as they are a small pair, but they capture her attention. she thinks, idly, that they look just like her real pair, the pair infused with starlight and magic, glistening and golden in the setting sunlight. she tests the weight of them in her palm. they slide into her pocket.  
the woman is sitting there, in her seat. _her seat._  
"you really are stupid, he says, did you think i loved you? did you think i could?" he says it while looking straight down the collar of setsuna’s shirt. the woman laughs, throws her head back. it’s a cruel, cruel sound.  
setsuna can be crueller.  
her fingers tighten around the handle of the scissors. 

it is four days before setsuna will die, but right now, she is killing someone else.  
it’s so, _so_ easy. the blades of her scissors are so sharp, it’s like a warm knife through butter; magic makes everything better, doesn’t it?  
red stains her fingers, seeps into the crevices of her skin. red. such a beautiful colour. it’s the colour of passion.  
his eyes run like milk over his cheeks. he watches her legs as she buries him at the construction site. bright neon signs warn against trespassers. his body is still warm. he rots in the shadows of the forklift.  
kyubey daintily dips the edge of his paw into that crimson – the searing remnants of that cloying passion, fuelled by an insatiable, voracious appetite – and his voice is a chirrup when he says, "i told you, you have the propensity to do whatever it is you wish."  
"of course." says setsuna. "of course, of course, you were right."  
"of course. i always am."  
the butterflies are causing her pain. 

setsuna finds she is still hungry. the blind slash of burning metal against morphed, nightmarish flesh cannot satisfy. it is three days before she will die. she is thinking about the woman, with the laughing profile.  
she is thinking about seizing that head for herself. her fingers tighten around the handles of her scissors. 

it easier, now that she's done it once. the woman’s mouth is frozen open mid-scream. setsuna waves a chastising finger, "now, now", she croons, "you should have known, did you really believe i was that stupid? you were never part of my wish, so i’m removing you now." she says it as if she’s talking about ripping a weed from earth.  
setsuna dumps her body at the construction site, this time, she slides the corpse under the digger. her shoes crunch on gravel, and setsuna slips as the woman's arm (still warm and bruised) catches on the underside of the machinery. her knees come away studded with rock. 

setsuna’s spent so long thinking about the body that she hasn’t fought a single witch. she tells kyubey that she’s just made her wish an actuality, so what does it matter? "humans are so bizarre", he responds, "and i just cannot understand you." 

it is two days before setsuna will die and she has just had a horrible realisation. she stands in the shower, skin raised and irritated underneath the sting of scalding water. but she can’t wash the crimson out. it’s seeped in through the little gaps in her skin. the butterflies have fed on it.  
she is corrupted. she is alien – nobody has skin like this. nobody has eyes like that. nobody’s figure looks the way hers does. she is hideous. somewhere along the line, she became a monster. she is _ugly._  
"i did what you asked." says kyubey. "nothing more, nothing less. you fixed your own mistake."  
setsuna’s stomach heaves. she thinks of the bodies, decomposing and stinking in the sun. she is sick. 

the day before she dies, setsuna is consumed with worry. what if they find the bodies? surely, they will. and surely, someone saw her with them, before she killed them. and surely they’d testify. setsuna doesn’t leave the house. kyubey says, "you should fight a witch. you don’t have any more grief seeds." she doesn’t move. he sighs, flicks open the latch on the window, and disappears out into the street below. with a gargled scream, she lurches forward to pull it closed. nobody can know. nobody. 

so setsuna goes to die at the construction site, and by now, she knows it. the stench of rot hangs heavy over the air, but setsuna isn’t sick. she kicks gravel under the digger, dumps more dirt over his shadow. she thinks she sees his hand. it is covered in flies.  
her soul gem explodes at four am, on the day she dies.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! thank-you very much for reading, i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> i've always been interested in gertrud's character - or rather, who she was before she became gertrud - and i wanted to explore that idea. in particular, her familiar adelbert inspired much of this, as i thought it would be interesting to link both adelbert's appearance and duty with gertrud's nature.


End file.
